Having to tell someone who made the formative years of your life miserable you love them on their deathbed has to be one of the worst experiences. My grandmother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer at 79. She's too weak for surgery or chemo, so hospice it is. My mother had me call her, telling her I "needed" to despite being disowned by the family. Whatever, I'm 12 hours away. I'm safe.

She didn't look too bad really. Just old. Still thinking, but her mind was slower. She didn't know what to say. I think the dyed hair and the smile at being apart for long made her realize she never knew me. I dressed in black for the call, not on purpose, it's always been my color. I think that also made her wary. We chatted about my cats, about my life here. She looked uncomfortable hearing about how... different my life was compared to what she expected.

We hung up shortly after that, my mom upset at the diagnosis, and I unable to do anything but nod and say 'goodbye.' I know I'm expected to make an in person visit, but I don't know if I can. My grandmother put me down for my weight constantly, told me not to look at the homeless less they ask for money. 'Go to church, marry my friend's grandson (who was 7 years my senior. She told me this at 11), and have a happy life as a housewife.' I knew it was bullshit. I saw my mother suffer alone caring for me, every man she brought home expected her to do their laundry and dishes and cook and mop on top of working 10 hours a day. I knew that wouldn't be me.

There's something to be said about conservative women. Transmisogynists love to harp about how trans women are "socialized male" and need to "unlearn misogyny" as if the most misogynistic women are not their conservative mothers freaking out about trans women in public restroom (my grandmother was this type). I know my grandmother, like conservative women, held these notions and ideas because she was a privileged white woman in the 1950s when she met my grandfather. He was in the military, so she directly profited from US imperialism. By holding those ideals, she was preserving her way of life at the expense of thousands of children who died due to the bombs my grandfather helped manufacture. I knew some of this growing up, but not until a certain point where I asked what my grandfather did and he proudly stated it. At that point, around when I began reading Lenin and Stalin and Parenti and Marx, I realized that I did not want this to be my legacy. I grew apart from this, from claiming US imperialism as something I would choose to uphold.

That's also when I was disowned for coming out as transgender and bisexual. So as I looked at her while she asked if I would say I loved her, I had to hold back tears and bile and say, "I love you. Take care."

It's insanely hard not to vomit thinking about it.

Two weeks since I last updated... a lot has been happening but nothing out of the ordinary for me. Work-wise I'm rolling on; no major fights with any dogs, dog aggression not being something I see as often as I used to. My only issue is part time staff members just not following basic suite procedures, but that's solvable with more training as none of them had enough time to get everything down. It's annoying, but fixable, so I don't find it too concerning.

Home-wise, I did see my partner again last weekend. He took me flying in a Cessna 172 for the first time, and while I expected myself to get scared, I never did. It was so cool to see the world from 6000 feet up. Other than that, we visited the zoo and arcade again, as well as just hanging out at parks to chat. It was fun, but three days wasn't enough and I miss him. My pet sitters reported two out of the three cats hid, while Theseus was chatty and friendly with everyone who came in. I'm just glad they aren't too stressed when I'm gone.

Oh, I have another wedding to attend in June, 8 hours away... I hope that weekend goes by fast...

The last three weeks have been busy, but the cats are all up to date with their vaccines and are healthy! It feels good to get this out of the way, and updated rabies vaccines is something I won't have to worry about when moving now.

I've had a ton of pet-sitting, but while I enjoy it I noticed the constant late nights and early mornings, coupled with severe allergies, was taking a toll on me. Work didn't suffer, but I've been coming home, feeding my pets and then going to bed every night to try and rest. At least it's done for the month! This next weekend I'm heading to my partner's city to visit him for a few days. He's planned to take me flying and I'm planning to hit a popular ramen shop in his town.

Other than that... I still have a shrine I want to make, but painting has been my time sink as of late. Very calming, and everything I learned years ago is slowly coming back to me.

It's been a rough week with my car breaking down again, and I think it's time for a new one. I was looking at the same used car dealership I bought my current car from, a black Toyota Corolla that's been calling my name. Since looking at it though, my phone has been blowing up with call from the lot. I'm trying to save for a hefty down payment to knock out some of the price, but after 900 USD to tow and fix my car, I'm set back a little bit. I have a long pet sitting job over Easter, so here's hoping that helps.

While I'm taking a short break from my site, I do have a shrine planned for a specific youtube channel I stumbled across when I was 16. It's been inactive for almost a decade at this point, and the shrine will behave as a memorial since the actor behind it died. I don't know if I want to mimic the YouTube layout or go with my original plan, but we'll see.

I've gotten back into drawing. I'm trying to stop being a perfectionist and just finishing a sketch before moving on, as that always leaves my sketch books empty. Oh well, live and learn I suppose.

Another day spent at the vet, and thankfully I can take a break for a few weeks. Next month will be updating vaccines for the cats, but otherwise everyone is finally healthy! I've had a lot of pet-sitting on the side, and work has been easy enough I can take on these other jobs. I just wish I wasn't coming home so exhausted. I've been waking up earlier than usual lately. Whenever I open my eyes in the morning, I just know its 5:30 AM, and when I look at the clock it confirms it. I don't know why, even if I go to bed around midnight I'm up at 5:30. I was able to get myself to go back to sleep this morning at least. I just hate my body deciding I'm up long before the sun is.

Another crazy week, my oldest cat needing an emergency vet visit due to a high fever and drooling, learning I have psoriasis and losing two animals at work. While I'm financially and emotionally drained, I have several pet-sitting jobs this month to more than make up for it. Outside of my life, reading the news keeps a constant stream of anxiety coming in. What will happen to Iran? To Cuba, to Venezuela, to Argentina, Chile?

On one hand I'm glad to know the US Empire will decay, but I worry what comes next. There is no socialist party with discipline, the 'Left' in the US is, at best, no better than Democrats. So many 'socialists' in the nation support its imperialism. They're not upset and enraged at the exploitation that happens to maintain the United States, but rather upset they do not reap the full benefits. Things will have to get worse until people are primed to chain their minds about US imperialism, I fear.

All I can do is continue to perservere, teach, and learn, and so I will.

This week has been crazy, but definitely not my worst. I recieved a vague warning from a friend and coworker after the firing of another (first coworker is HR, I've known her since we were teenagers), something about being careful around her which had the unitended effect of making me curious. While I really want to know, it's also not my place. But who knows, perhaps some well timed and properly worded questions will get me the information I crave. I suppose this is a testament to how you don't really know people, but I do my best to be honest with everyone, even those with less than pure intentions. I've been called naive for it, but there's a clear line between naive and genuinely extending kindness to everyone.

Other than that, I've been promoted to REDACTED, which boils down to lead for behavior at the facility. It's a dual role, but I love what I do in regards to animal behavior. Every day is one big experiment, and oftentimes it works in my favor. My only issue is realizing how only a handful of coworkers still retain the basics. Another coworker and I discussed us doing monthly 'workshops' on various methods of anchoring, de-stressing and enrichment for the dogs. I may need to start putting 'weekly walkthroughs' on my list as well, getting acquainted with all new animals to give more accurate and up-to-date behavior reports in my meetings. We shall see if this happens, though.

I can't overstate how happy I am to be working again. I missed the challenge of a shut down dog, planning and problem solving with people to best manage stress while aiding proper socialization. I'm really enjoying training again, working with what my coworker and I think is a Taiwanese Mountain Dog and teaching the command 'wait' It also feels amazing to bond with these animals through play.

While my job is providing intellectual stimulation, I'm still prone to thinking of my past. I recently learned two people I was once friendly and close to are now in prison on unrelated charges, and while I am curious, I can't believe how low a point my early 20s were. How close I was to situations that would have ended in my arrest or death... It's a lot to think of. And yet, it didn't. I'm thankful to be where I am now, even if it's still not ideal.

My partner left yesterday, and I feel a bit bored again. I've discovered I've developed CHS, so getting high is out of the question unless I want to be sick the rest of the day. I didn't realize how isolated I was out here, but without something numbing me to the days, I'm aware. I've considered going out more, but I'm wary around strangers and moreso sober. It just feels tiring to deal with.

I've decided to shrink my blog/diary down since it was annoying to keep up with. I think if I play around with an RSS feed, I could potentially do daily updates again, but until then longer form posts will be the norm. Definitely no time cap on them, just updating when I feel like it.

I'm attempting to finish up AGOT this month, and I definitely missed a lot just listening to audiobooks. The discreptancies between Ned and Robert are more obvious on the page, as well as the evidence of Jaime showing to love Tyrion deeply, and a certain dislike growing towards Cersei even before meeting Brienne. I also find myself enjoying Danaerys far more as she grows into a competent leader. I'm specifically attempting to read into the theme of knighthood: its ideals in a feudal society versus the reality under feudalism. As I continue, the theme pops up more in regards to its reality in Jaime and Brienne's story, but the idealism is really set up by Ned and Sansa. We'll see what I'm able to pull from the story.